Where to begin...

Let's see, I'm 27 and never been pregnant in my life. I know my way around pregnancy tests, though. I've taken plenty and been let down every single time. I've watched people around me, younger and older, have children. Multiple even. While I sat there questioning if it would ever be a possibility for me. There were plenty of things said to me to "try" to help, including to lose weight. Even working out 5 days a week and being 40 pounds less than I am now, it never happened. What it finally took was the unconditional love of a wonderful boyfriend and a doctor who finally seemed to want to help.

Let's roll back to before. I was diagnosed with PCOS without actually ever having any tests done. My periods were always irregular and if I did have them, they were heavy. And blood clots. Huge ones. That put a damper on me because then I was told it would be difficult.

Roll forward to when I moved to Ohio last March to be with Jacob. After living together for a while, we decided to pursue trying to get pregnant just in case it would be difficult. (I always had doubt and he just never did. <3) Finally, 7-9 years later after being diagnosed with PCOS, I get real tests done. I have all the textbook symptoms but my blood work does not agree with the condition. We do a vaginal ultrasound to see I don't have any cysts and I actually have one follicle.

Since PCOS is a bust, Doc decides we test for Endometriosis. With the biopsy, it was awful. Not extremely painful but enough to cause discomfort. The pressure from the clamps. Then to see a piece of my lining just sitting in a jar made me uneasy on it's own. Luckily, this test came back negative as well. I actually found out I have a great wall for a baby to grow when the time would come.

Our first trial is with Metformin. 1000mg x twice a day. It was supposed to help me lose weight and if I did have PCOS, give me a chance to get pregnant on my one without fertility treatments. The first month was horrible. Hell, even after taking it for 5-6 months, my stomach still doesn't always do so well. It ended up dropping my blood sugar levels the first blood work we did. Eventually, my body accepted it and everything is normal now. But the weight I was supposed to lose? Never happened. I gained weight. And then follows all the negative tests. The doctor insists to keep taking the medicine, for it may cause me to ovulate on my own without help and this medicine has shown to decrease miscarriage.

Now bring on February of this year. It's time to try fertility drugs. I'm not ovulating on my own. I'm given Clomid that I take days 3-7 of my cycle. Insane changes in my body that I've never had. From stretchy mucus and hot flashes, it was new to me.

The day we were waiting for! Day 21! We go to get blood work drawn with high hopes. So I waited for my period. It never came.  Tests were still negative. Days later, we return to find out I did not ovulate and Doc prescribes more medicines to go with the Clomid. This time, I also get Estradiol and Crinone. (Crinone ended up being over $200 with insurance. Since I had the news of a good wall, I begged not to take it. The doctor agreed it wasn't necessary.) I let him know I still hadn't started as well (this was a month later), so I actually get Provera to speed things along. I wait a little bit to take the Provera. I wasn't ready for things to get messy yet. So I waited about 7-10 days later and took it.

And we wait. 3 days after, no period. 5 days after, still nothing. Going on 7-10 days after, I start to get worried and Google if I should call my doctor.

The funny thing is, during this whole time, I'm having vivid dreams including ones about our friends' baby. I'm also still taking pregnancy tests. Didn't ovulate? Don't care. A part of me still hoped. And good thing, too.

Monday, March 24th, about 10PM, I took a test. I hadn't taken a test in a few days. So I decided, "Why not?" I walk away, just to come back and see a faint pink line. Never in my life have I had a faint line. I yell at Jacob to look and tell me I'm not crazy. He tells me not to get worked up and try again in the morning. I agree.

So I wake up and with my first morning pee, I take another test. Still a faint yes and with Jacob's approval, I call the doctor. I get an appointment for the next day.

We go to the doctor and find out with my last period, I should be 7-8 weeks along. My eyes widen. Holy crap! That far along? Already? I had absolutely no symptoms. Doc decides we try for an ultrasound just to check on things. We couldn't see anything so she went for a vaginal. With the vaginal, we see this black hole with a tiny circle. It's a yolk sac. I don't know what I was expecting but I definitely wasn't expecting a black empty space. With the ultrasound, we find out I'm 5 weeks and 6 days or 6 weeks exactly along, making my due date currently November 19th or 20th. Jacob and I are ecstatic. Overwhelmed with joy. This picture already resides on our fridge. Our baby's first picture. <3

The story behind the crease: The doctor said I could have this and I was so excited! When I went to collect it, they had put in the paper shredder. I had never been so insulted in my life. What if this is the only picture I get? What might not mean the world to one of those nurses, meant everything to me.

I learn all the things you can't eat: deli meats unless they've been nuked for at least 30 seconds, fruits and vegetables have to be washed really well, no fish and shellfish except a few (ew!), all meat must be fully cooked and no unpasteurized cheeses. We schedule another ultrasound for the following week to use an updated machine at another location to hopefully get more information. I freak out about the Provera I took because I'd read before if you took it while pregnant, it's bad for you. She asks how long ago I took it and I explain 7-10 days ago. She calms my nerves by telling me it would have caused a drop in progesterone and the only thing that would have happened is a miscarriage. Obviously, that didn't happen. We have a little baby growing in me.

I was told to stop my .5mg of Xanax a day (I had weened myself off of 2mg down to .5mg for my panic attacks. It was already a goal to stop. This just helped.) and to change to a better prenatal. I had also been on a diet for the last 2 weeks. I told myself, "This is it. You want a baby? You're going to have to really work for it. Lose the weight and take care of yourself." I had lost 8-10 pounds in about 14 days. I was used to eating about 1,600 calories. I asked the Doc what I should be ingesting. She insisted 2,000, no less. Eating less would make me more fatigued.

This week following this news has been a roller coaster. I want to tell everyone but I'm scared to death of a miscarriage. I don't have any real symptoms. Just crying over being happy or being scared. Such as: I took Xanax still and I never drink alcohol but for some reason, I had a martini last week! What if I hurt my baby? Luckily, Jacob called me during this melt down while he was at work and soothed my fears. I didn't know then but looking back, the previous week, Jacob had said something I took wrong and made me burst into tears. It made complete sense now. I've been wanting certain things but once I try them, it's just gross. Nothing tastes right. Things can be too salty or too sweet. I just couldn't handle certain things. And luckily for me, I've been craving nuts, veggies and fruit. Nothing too awful. Eating 2,000 calories is seeming to be a little hard.

I've also been obsessively checking my hCG by still taking tests and watching the lines get darker. I've been worried that if they don't get darker, I'll have a miscarriage. At first, they didn't. And I cried. But Jacob reassured me and I kept taking them. And they progressively did change.

Another symptom I've been having extreme salivation. I work at a call center and talking so much should dry my mouth out. It doesn't. I feel like I'm almost slobbering on myself. That if I don't take a break from the talking, my mouth will fill up and I'll start talking funny. It's such a weird sensation.

Next, I will say something to cause many women to hate me. I've never cramped before in my life. Now with the baby, I'm having all kinds of weird little pains. I asked the Doc about them and they're completely normal. (I was worried about ectopic pregnancy.)

I will say it also felt like my boobs just grew overnight. They're not sore yet. Just feel kind of numb but really full and heavy. And my nipples have changed some. Slightly bigger, darker and more bumps. All normal things.

And of course, frequent urination. Getting up 2-3 times in the night to go pee already is annoying. Especially when it's hard to go back to sleep. If I don't sleep, my mind runs wild. When my mind wanders, I end up in tears. Then eventually I fall back asleep for a little while.

I tell my little Mexican bean (Jacob's half Mexican and so it's our little joke) every single day I love it. I tell Jacob all the time that Mommy and Baby love him. I've grown so attached already and I didn't want to because of fear. They say not to worry because it puts stress on the baby but it's harder than anything else. This is something I've always wanted. What if something's wrong with it because of my choices when I didn't know I was pregnant? What if I lose my precious little bean? I've been trying so long, I would be devastated. I don't know if I'd want to put myself through this emotional roller coaster again. (I'm sure I would but at the same time, the heartache of never having is different than losing I'm sure.)

They say pregnant women are forgetful. This will be my attempt to document this adventure because it means the world to me. To us. I don't want to forget the important steps and I want to share them with family in Missouri since they can't physically be here in Ohio.