Today's been a tough one

I feel emotionally detached from my body. I am no longer extremely excited when I wake up. Last week, when I found out I was pregnant, it felt as though no one could stop me. I finally had the one thing besides Jacob that made me complete. And now, I fight back tears. I feel empty. I'm scared. Scared of my own body. I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Are one of my tubes going to explode? Will it be painful? Most importantly, if this is how it ends up... will I really want to try again?

Jacob wants to try again if this doesn't work. I think I'm going to be devastated and it doesn't seem to be appealing to me right now. I just don't want to let him down. It's a piece of him, too. But he isn't having the  attachment I do. The emotional connection with my body as it's already changing to carry this new little life.

Here I thought we were in the clear last week by asking about ectopic pregnancies. No issues seemed to be in question. How much less than a week can change things. How much one tiny little growing person can cause fear. Before it was just fear of making it through the first trimester with no miscarriage. Now it's fear for myself. And what I can do in the future if I don't get an answer soon.

I will say I'm glad to have such loving and supportive people in my life. Jacob, my grandma and our friend Lyndsey. These people are currently keeping me sane. Giving me a small amount of hope that I didn't have. I want to fully give in and believe everything is going to be okay but I'm scared to be let down again. Tired of fighting tears. If there will be tears, I want them to be happy ones. 

So many questions. Why me? What did I do? Haven't I gone through enough to get here? Now that I'm finally here, this is what I get? Yet, people who don't even appreciate their kids have never had an issue. How is this fair? 

Being alone and being with my thoughts is not good for me. I'm in need for tomorrow. I'm in need of some answers. I don't like not knowing what's happening to us. 

I keep telling our little bean that we want it. To please be okay. That mommy and daddy don't want anything bad to happen to it. Because after all of this, we still want it. It's our first baby.